Not My Watch
by NeonZangetsu
Summary: Overwatch. Never before in my life have I needed something so much and never known until I received it. It'll be fun, she said. It'll be good for your health, she said. You'll enjoy yourself, she said. She may have NEGLECTED to mention everyone here was crazy! But, why should I be worried? Its Not My Watch, after all. Not Going Home Series! Narutoxharem? Pairings vary! Vote!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Sooooo, anybody play Overwatch these days? Anyone up for a few matches? My gamer tag out to make it obvious who I am XD**

 **I FINALLY picked up a copy the other day and I'm a BEAST with Reaper and Widowmaker. They're surprisingly fun to play as. The others...eh, not so much. Its pretty fun! And I'm looking forward to Doomfist's eventual arrival! It's gonna be big! Oddly enough, I actually found my passion for writing Overwatch Fiction through Omahdon on youtube. Watch her Overwatch videos, they're friggin hilarious! I especially enjoyed the Workplace Drama one, if you know what I mean.**

 **So, when the request came down the pipeline, I had to do it.**

 **Also, requests are temporarily closed until March so I can update everything. There will be ONE more new story after this, after which, I'm dedicating myself to updating all my stories and finally FINISHING them. *Sees torches and pitchforks* HEY have some faith! So now, here we are!**

 **Also, points for anyone who can translate what Widowmaker is saying.**

 **PREPARE TO LAUGH YOURSELF SILLY!**

 **=D**

 _"This is the part where you start grovelling."_

 _"MERDE!"_

 _BANG!_

 _~A rather interesting meeting..._

 **Not My Watch**

 _So._

 _Overwatch._

 _Never before in my life have I needed something so much and never known until I received it._

 _Naruto, you ask w_ _hat's so interesting about Overwatch? What could possibly catch the attention of an undead, dimension-hopping deity like yourself? What indeed, dear readers! Go ahead. Guess. Was it the richly cultivated story? The brewing conflict between Omnics and Humanity? That fine line between man and machine and what we know aa a soul? The witty quips? Those dashing costumes? No? C'mon! You still haven't figured it out? Seriously? My newfound interest in this explosive world can be summed up in three simple words._

 _Girls!_

 _Guns!_

 _Gorillas!_

 _So I decided it would be a LOVELY universe to take a vacation in._

 _Just plain ol' hilarity and mayhem._

 _That's right, no godly duties. No keeping the galaxy in check. No world-shaking battles with demons threatening the very balance of life and death. No meddling in world affairs or mucking about with governments. Well, not too much. I might establish an empire if like it here, just for shits and giggles. So yes, n_ _eedless to say, it caught my interest. I can read some of these folks like a book. Some are good, others, evil. The rest, not so much._

 _None more so than a certain widow..._

* * *

 _(...)_

* * *

 _When I was a girl, I had a fear of spiders._

 _I was told they felt no emotion._

 _That their hearts never beat._

 _But I know the truth._

Widowmaker smiled softly to herself as she glided across the rooftops of King's Row, a pale wraith in the night. Little more than a twitching of her lips, one wouldn't have noticed her amusement unless they were looking directly at her. Those unfortunate enough to actually catch _sight_ of the elusive Talon operative soon found themselves wishing they hadn't. Then, they weren't wishing at all. She descended on any she encountered with cold merciless violence, leaving any security she encountered for the buzzards. Quick, clean kills, and it was with each kill that she felt her pulse quicken, her heart racing in a subtle burst of pleasure. Yes, she knew the truth of spiders, indeed.

 _At the moment of the kill, they are never more alive._

This was her undeniable reality.

 _Truth?_ A tiny voice-disturbingly akin to her own-scoffed as she clung to the darkness, the words harsh and cutting. _What truth do you know, little Amelie? You're just Talon's doll. A puppet dancing on their strings. You don't have a scrap of free will and you know it. THERE is your truth. Do you even know what they made you? Do you even care about Gerard, anymore?_

Scowling, she forced the rare impulse away and continued her preparations.

 _No, that was absurd._

Slipping back into the light, she flung her grappling hook forward, burying its tip into a brick outcropping. A nearby guard started at the sound, turning to glance at the metal protrusion. Amateur. He never saw the blow hammer into his neck, never felt it break until he was already dead. His companion was still turning when she spun and drove the butt of her rifle into his face. The man grunted in surprise and tried to raise his weapon, only for a silenced round to drive home through his skull and silence him forevermore. Widowmaker carefully lowered his body to the ground and, the final obstacle removed, she began her final preparations.

Winding the thread of her hook around her left leg, she braced herself on the edge of the roof.

Then she dropped.

A fleeting sensation of weightlessness consumed her for but a moment, then inertia kicked in. Wind rushed through her hair, tickled her face. She should have experienced something. But she felt nothing. Upside down, she merely raising her rifle and too aim. Her multi-faceted goggles clamped down around her eyes and enhanced her vision. What she was attempting would've been an impossible shot for most; even a member of that once-vaunted Overwatch organization would've been hard-pressed to attempt such a maneuver. Not so, Widowmaker.

Her mission was simple.

Set up in King's Row and assassinate the omnic monk Tekhartha Mondatta at the upcoming peace rally. Make it public. Make certain everyone saw him die. She didn't need to know why. Didn't need to care. There was only the mission. She would carry out her mission. The omnic would die and she would return to base to receive her next assignment. That was all. There was only the mission.

The target.

The shot.

The kill.

There was no wind to speak of, and no one had detected her intrusion.

She saw the so called "savior" of the omnics through her scope now, a target through the narrowest of windows. His white skull and lights made him the perfect target. He was speaking to his so-called faithful from the podium, utterly unaware that he stood squarely in a spider's sights. Soon, he would be aware of nothing, save his own death. Imbecile.

The slightest of smirks plucked at her pale lips.

 _"There you are."_

Her finger tightened on the trigger, locking on. Just the slightest twitch, and Mondatta would be no more-

-then something small, black, and brimming with _far_ too many legs swung into her sights. Scowling, Widowmaker tried to twitch out of the way and readjust, but the insect merely followed her, dangling on a thread of silk. Without thinking she reflexively reached up to swat it, not yet realizing what had even dangled itself in her sights. Mistake. The ghastly little creature chose that moment to spring onto the back of her hand and in an instant, she realized exactly what she was looking at it. Eight red eyes stared up at her with malevolent glee.

Golden orbs narrowed, widened explosively.

 _"Oh, mon dieu."_ she swore.

The black widow seemed to dangle there on her palm, mocking her as it defied gravity. Despite its lack of a human face, she could've sworn it smiled.

And then, impossibly, it spoke.

 **"Bonjour, mon cheri!"**

 _"EEEK!"_

Looking back, Amelie Lacroix couldn't quantify the sudden outburst of emotion that compelled her to react the way she did; that burst of raw, instinctual terror at the sight of one of her childhood fears actually coming to life and speaking to her. She couldn't explain it. Nor could she explain the _sudden and undignified shriek_ that exploded from her all at once. Screaming, she threw herself backward, abandoning her shot to fire wildly at the eight-legged abomination. Impossibly the little devil actually _cackled_ at her and dodged all her bullets with punitive ease, swinging easily on a thread of seemingly indestructible silk.

"Ohohoho!"

Even as she spat endless French profanities at her tormentor and flailed on her line, Widowmaker was aware of her monumental blunder. _Damnit!_ She'd all but blown her mission wide open; her outburst and subsequent shooting spree had attracted all sorts of unwanted attention below. Mondatta-her target!-was likely fleeing the scene even now, ushered by his guards into an armored limousine. She couldn't bring herself to care. There was only the disgusting little arachnid before her, that terrible age-old fear and the _need_ to squash it, to KILL it before it crawled all over her!

 _Kill, kill, kill!_

As such, she was completely unprepared when her "spider" suddenly became something else entirely, gaining form and mass where there had been none, a riot of gold and white exploding upwards. In almost no time at all it didn't resemble a spider at all, but rather, a man. An laughing, grinning, glowing man. His hand shot out, seizing her by the face and flinging her backwards with incredible force. The next she knew, her back kissed a wall then slammed _through_ it, sending her tumbling out into open space. If not for her extensively modified body, she would've shattered her spine. By the time she thought to use her grappling hook her attacker was on her again, a booted foot driving her back to the ground. Rather, another rooftop.

Widowmaker didn't get mad. She got even.

"Alright," a rough voice growled in her ear, "I've seen and done some fucked up shit in my day, but this? We're shooting robot monks now? That's an all new kind of low. Still! You're actually afraid of spiders! Ha! Who would've guessed?"

By some miracle she'd managed to hold onto her rifle in the chaos, and now she took aim at him.

His sharp blue eyes seemed focused intently on the unfolding chaos below, paying no notice to her for the time being. It gave Widowmaker a chance to take stock of to him. His state of dress was almost comical in its absurdity and outlandishness; she didn't see a single matching piece anywhere amongst his odd attire.

All black jeans with light orange plating scattered haphazardly upon the joints and other odd places, the random bits of armor flowing up past a strange belt with little red-and-white spheres tethered round his waist, accompanied by an equally strange meta cylinder. All of this lead up to an eerie ebony chest piece, partially obscuring what looked like chainmail of all things. It was so archaic that she didn't know how to respond in the slightest. If Widowmaker had to guess, he looked as though he just walked out of one of those eccentric anime-cons Gerard had been fond of. Where those red _horns_ coming out of his head?

 _Merde,_ but what was it with this fool and _orange?_

And there, tethered to his back by a thick orange-of course it was orange!-strap and, somehow defying the very laws of gravity and physics themselves, was a giant knife. It looked as though someone had taken a giant cleaver, wrapped its tang in bandages, and left the job unfinished. It radiated death on an almost primal level, and just looking at it made her head hurt. How he stood with that thing on his back was beyond her...and irrelevant! Snatching up her gun, she pointed it a him once more, only to find that he had somehow gotten behind her in the last blink.

"So," the stranger began slowly, "Widowmaker, right? I'm Naruto. Self-proclaimed god, walker of the multiverse, wrecker of everybody's shit, blah, blah, blah. Let's skip the introductions, neh? This is the part where you say I'm sorry, I won't do it agai-

BANG!

Naruto nimbly ducked the short, beaming.

"Ha! Missed! Now, en grad!"

Widowmaker frowned.

"You're not even saying it right, pig!"

The blond paused.

"I'm not?"

"NO!" she hissed. "It's _en garde! Bouffon!"_

"Don't you mean buffoon-

"Allez-vous-en!"

"Nope!"

 _"Merde!"_ she hissed and spun, blasting him point blank.

It was a very good shot a very small part of Widowmaker thought; the sniper round ripped from the barrel to blast him right between his eyes and punched a hole in his skull. The horned blond tottered on his feet for a precarious moment, eyes glazed. Then he toppled backward with a dull thud. Widowmaker exhaled fiercely, glaring bloody red daggers at the corpse. Warily, she nudged it with her foot. Odd. It was still...twitching. Still, just who did that fool think he was? He hadn't even tried to disarm her, or at the very least, try to dodge-

A hand clapped down on her shoulder from behind and quite abruptly, she found herself frozen in place.

What sorcery was this?!

Why couldn't she move her body?!

 _"Oh, Widowmaaaaaaaaaakeeeeeeer~!"_ Naruto's distorted voice slithered in her ear, silken with menace, "That wasn't very nice. Here I am trying to be your friend, _trying to help you,_ and you put a hole in my head. A man might get the wrong idea if a girl keeps trying to kill him. A girl wouldn't like that. A girl might find herself someplace...unpleasant. Like the surface of the sun. Now," he continued, absently patting her frozen cheek, "Here's what you're going to do for me. You're going to drop your gun and slowly, very slowly, turn around. We're going to have a chat like the adults we are."

"Ce n'est pas demain la veille!" she ground out through gritted teeth.

"Oh, you're a sassy one." the blond laughed. "Now. **MOVE."**

Against her will, she found herself doing just that.

Widowmaker hissed, fighting the forces controlling her, to no avail. It felt as if someone had physically taken control of her body; like she was a mere puppet and this stranger was pulling all her strings. Stiffly her body turned, rifle dropping from nerveless fingers. She turned, obeying him even as she cursed him, resolving not to flinch. She would not give this idiot the satisfaction of having bested her, she was loyal to Talon and she'd not falter, she would not bend, she would not break, she would not...not...not...

Her stomach nearly bolted.

Naruto was indeed standing there.

So too was his wound.

As this range, she could clearly see the bloody hole where her bullet had bored through to shatter his his skull; just as she could also see the city lights of King's Row shining through said hole and what remained of his brain. It was a mortal wound that would've dropped anyone but Reaper, and that he was still standing without any obvious signs of regeneration was...chilling, all things said. As though spurred on by that very thought, his forehead began to mold itself back together as she looked on; flesh and bone flowing like seamless milk, the grievous wound stitching shut before her very eyes.

Yet again, she felt that odd prickle of fear.

...wait...how did...what even are you?! How are you even standing?!"

"Two words, love." the blond mocked in a sing-song voice. "Infinite. Respawns. Now, mademoiselle! Perhaps you'd reconsider and hear me out?"

The assassin growled.

"No."

"Aw, why not?"

"Because you are a foolish boy." she growled through clenched teeth. "And I do not deal with fools." Stall. She had to stall. If the dropship made here, then maybe, just maybe she'd have an out...

"Oh, are you waiting for your ride?" her tormentor interjected. "I'm sorry. Blew that up about an hour ago."

 _"Et je jure que cette fois, je te tuerai!"_

"Right, right. Sticks and stone and all that." the self-professed deity purred in reply. "Its not very fun being compelled to do something against your will, is it? But if its any consolation, getting shot hurts like hell. Now, I know you've been brainwashed to hell and back, and frankly, that rubs me the wrong way. So!" Pacing away from her stiff body, the blond spun around and spread his arms wide, almost as if he were silently beseeching the heavens for aid. "I decided to play you a little visit before I have my fun." he winked in what he no doubt thought to be a dashing manner. "Think of it as a late Christmas present. You get a miracle! Free of charge! No more Talon brainwashing! Maybe then you'll be more...inclined to help me build that empire I've been working on."

A flash of cold dread-and strangely hope?-hit Widowmaker all at once.

"Don't you dare-

"Hmm?" Naruto tilted his head, eyes flashing gold. "I already did. Undid it, that is. Just now. The shock should be hitting you any second now."

"You filthy little-

That was all she heard before her world flared red and her knees buckled.

A riot of images hit her all at once; noises, sights, sounds. Screams.

And emotion.

So much ANGER.

Widowmaker felt rather than heard herself utter a soundless scream. Felt her body collapse and go boneless, strength fleeing from her limbs and leaving her as helpless as a newborn babe. Pain ricocheted in her ears, a piercing ringing blotting out all else. It felt as though someone had jabbed an ice pick behind her eyes and poked around in her brain, leaving a pounding migraine. Feeling herself fading, she had just enough strength to raise her head and stare into those inky blue eyes. To watch, as their owner crouched, to scowl, as that scarred hand idly peeled the goggles off her head. No. Not scowl. Strange. Why was she smiling? Instead of anger she experienced only blessed relief, a relief mingled with pain, it was all coming back, the enormity of what she'd done, what she'd become, weighing down on her like a lead brick.

"Welcome to _my_ parlor, little spider." he hummed. "Sweet dreams. We can talk about payback over pancakes."

"That's...that's not even...

Naruto merely smiled.

"I know. _Sleep."_

And blackness took her.

 **A/N: Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of madness and war! Expect all sorts of hijinks and mayhem ahead and vote for the pairings! As a side note I always felt bad for Widowmaker. She's been in a hell not of her own making for awhile now, and I don' see her coming out of anytime soon. So! I threw her a lifeline in the only way I knew how. Also, fuck Talon. Fuck, fuck, fuck em. I did some reading on the organization and they're a real bag of dicks! Not to say that I hate Reaper and Sombra, not at all!**

 **This is going to be one hell of a wild ride, updated REGULARLY, as in weekly, depending on whether you guys like it. I've finally got a damn schedule for this! I'm also accepting beta readers at this time, so if you're down for that, have at it.**

 **What does Naruto have planned you ask?**

 **Why, you'll have to stay tuned for that!**

 **So in the Immortal Words of Atlas...**

 **...Review Would You Kindly?**

 **And Naturally...**

 **...ENJOY THE PREVIEWS! HOPE YOU ENJOY!**

 **(Previews)**

 _"Boy, you know tranquility can kill you."_

 _"Ack!"_

* * *

 _"Beep-dee-beep!"_

 _"What's that? Bastion? You want to be able to eat pancakes? No problem!"_

* * *

 _"_ _Tu es l'animal idiot qui m'a humilié, qui m'a coûté mon emploi!"_

 _"Alright, I know you're angry, but-OW I NEED THOSE!"_

 _"You kinda had that coming, papi."_

 _"PISS OFF SOMBRA!"_

* * *

 _"That's it. I'm out. I'm done. I quit!"_

 _"Aw, Reaper! Its only been two rounds! I'll even stand still this time! No cheating, I swear!"_

 _...really?"_

 _"Really!"_

 _"In that case, you can **DIE DIE DIE!"**_

 _...its only battleship, ya know."_

 **;3**


	2. To Be King

**A/N: YO! HERE WE GO! MORE THAN FIVE THOUSAND WORDS!**

 **Okay, okay, okay! Hi, guys and gals! I've been gone for awhile! Blame the slew of new games that came out!**

 **There's also something else that needs to be said.**

 **I don't know how to say this, but...**

 **...I'm pissed off.**

 **Fuck my life.**

 **Seriously, fuck it with a HAMMER, throw it in a ditch and set it in on FIRE. Sorry for that, I just felt the need to rant because I've been having a really shitty month. Not your fault at all guys, I'm just having a rotten time. I ate something I was allergic to-NOT FUN, THAT-got my heart broken, nearly got hit by a car, RUINED my laundry, accidentally DELETED several chapters I was working on, destroyed my laundry, nearly wound up late for work, and to top it all off, the annoying little twat known as Doom Marine 54 is back and harassing me again.**

 **But fear not!**

 **I AM BY NO MEANS QUITTING THIS SITE!**

 **Now that we've put that aside...**

 **This one's next on the update roster!**

 **Also, requests are still closed until the end of the month so I can update everything. I also got major inspiration for the hilarity here from Omahdon's Overwatch comic dub videos on Youtube, among a bunch of others. They really made my day!**

 **So now, here we are!**

 **Also, points for anyone who can translate what Widowmaker is saying.**

 **Yes, the title is entirely intentional, and I laughed SO hard writing this.**

 **Some of its serious, some is zany, and others, well...**

 **And YES, the Reaper bit will show up next time.**

 **If you think about it, Widow deserved another chapter to deal with having her emotions back. In that same vein, Reaper and the rest of Talon deserve their own chapter, I think.**

 **Points to anyone who recognizes old faces from different genres and shows!**

 **Prepare to laugh, everyone!**

 **Hope you enjoy!**

 **=D**

 _"A King is one who looks after his subjects. A king is a sword and a shield. Someone willing to do whatever it takes to protect those dear to him. Even if it means playing the fool. Let them strike me a thousand times if it makes them happy. Let my enemies underestimate me. I'll be the one to hold it all in the end. And I will protect it. ALL OF IT."_

 _"I see. You consider these "universes" and those within them, your kingdom. This...facade of yours is just that, then? An act?"_

 _"Well, yeah. Most of the time. Maybe half?"_

 _"You can't be serious."_

 _"Hey, at least **I** can win a game of gungi."_

 _...I do not wish to speak of this. What is it that you want?"_

 ** _"EVERYTHING."_**

 _~?_

 **To Be King**

 _Hello, dear, precious diary of mine!_

 _So, some updates since knocking out Widowbitch-ahem! Amelie. Right. Need to call her that now. She's been out cold for more than four days, now, and if I want her help in setting up an empire here, I can't afford to set her off. In hindsight, maybe I should've gone for the gradual route, rather than just removing her brainwashing outright. Whatever those Talon folks did to her ran pretty deep. Even_ _can't tell who she'll wake up as. Will it be Amelie? Widowmaker? Some union of the two? Will she even wake up at all without my help? Hell, even **my** abilities have limits, especially if I don't know **what** to fix or **where** to go..._

 _Anyhow!_

 _I've been a very busy little beaver in these last forty-eight hours. Setting traps, laying false leads, sowing misinformation among the masses, flaying madmen alive. I think Esdeath would be proud of my efforts. Athena certainly would. Its rare to have anything resembling a challenge these days since tackling the Greek pantheon a way back, so I really have to work at it. This time around the solution was obvious. I can't allow anyone important such as Reinhardt or Sombra to randomly die on me now, not when I have SO many plans for all of them. I even found an adorable robot and took him under my wing!_

 _Death's really rather easy to circumvent if you put your mind to it and where there's a will, there's a way._

 _Oh, Overwatch and Talon operatives can **still** kill each other as many times as they want, mind you._

 _They can, of course, die in terrible, horrible ways._

 _They just won't **stay** dead for very long._

 _Free heals and respawns for all!_

 _Really, its a brilliant idea if I say so myself. I don't know why I didn't think of it sooner. Maybe it was too obvious? I'll have to thank Eveline for that. Clever girl. She's really not so bad now that she's a part of the family. I mean, give her a bit of love, and she turned out fine. Ought to throw her a party or two when I get back. Ah, but I digress!_

 _In any case, I'm sure Talon is just now starting to realize how monumentally fucked they are._

 _They're going to come for me, of course._

 _On the contrary, I'm counting on it._

 _Phase one is now complete!_

 _Now onto phase two!_

 _LET US BEGIN._

* * *

 _(...?...)_

* * *

 _Amelie Lacroix woke to the smell of her mother's pancakes._

That was wholly, utterly impossible of course and Widowmaker _-Amelie!-_ knew this rationally, trying to puzzle it out as she stared at the ceiling. Her mother had been dead for years, now. Wait. Her mother? Why was she thinking about her? She hadn't thought about her in tears, not since Gerard, not since...since what? Her mind stuttered and stalled on the verge of remembrance; teetering at the edge for fear of falling, as though she'd trapped herself in a waking dream. For a fleeting moment she recalled absolutely nothing of her fated encounter and simply lounged in bed, carelessly tangled up in silken sheets.

In the end, only one word came to mind.

 _"What?"_

Baffled by her surroundings, Amelie shifted her body against the bed and propped herself on her elbows, wondering how she'd gotten here. It was only then that she realized someone had stripped her of both her gear and weapons, leaving her clad in her undergarments. They'd even freed her hair from its braid and washed it while she slept. Mortifying enough by itself-but then, as though deliberately adding insult to injury, they'd left behind a pair of blindingly orange sweatpants and an equally garishly colored shirt in their place. Merely the sight of it had her hands twitching into relentless knots.

Orange.

She _loathed_ orange.

They even had the audacity-the gall!-to leave a note!

Written in a loose scrawl it only served to pique her temper all the more:

 _Gooooooooood morning!_

 _If you're reading this letter, you're finally awake. If not, I probably fucked something up and you're a drooling vegetable by now. Eh, fifty-fifty. In any case, if DIDN'T fry your brain, you're going to get a nasty shock any minute now as your memories come back. Maybe they have already. Trust me; amnesia is always an absolute bitch to reverse and even then, it sucks, realizing you've been played like a fiddle. So if you want to throw a few punches my way afterward, I won't blame you. Heh, I'd probably deserve it._

 _Oh, and we're having pancakes today, by the way._

 _Feel free to come down when you want._

 _Hope you like orange!_

 _~Naruto._

Crumpling the paper in hand, Widowmaker stifled a snarl.

"I don't know what he did, but I _know_ I'm going to kill him...!"

Growling all the while, she reluctantly donned the garments left for her and forced herself away from the bed's comforting embrace.

The room's humble decor offered little in the way of answers and gathered more questions; because Amelie _recognized_ this room. She knew the peeling cyan wallpaper and modest furnishings coupled with the faintest scent of home-cooking stirred long-forgotten feelings in her. The room was very familiar to her, almost painfully so. She'd been here before. She even recognized the worn-looking stairwell wrapping downward towards the kitchen, the pitctures on the wall. This was her room. As it had been years before. As if she'd simply been plucked from King's Row and flung back into the past by that insufferable blond bastard. Wait, why did she recall that? Ah, _hell-_

Abruptly, the tiniest thorn of remembrance pricked her and she was lost.

"Ack!"

Memories came rushing back all at once, beating at her brain in a pounding migraine, forcing her to frantically grit her teeth against it. Desperately gripping her head in both hands, the assassin found herself thrust into the abyss, the blissful numbness of sleep falling away to lay all her sins bare. _Pain._ Rolling over her in a crushing wave, each and every piece of her bitter past experiences laid her low she was powerless to do anything about it. Guilt. Regret. Sorrow. It made no sense in the worst of ways, and yet at the thought of her dark deeds she found herself coming undone all over again.

With a cry she jolted upright, all thoughts of her mother's cooking falling to the wayside as countless memories came flooding back.

Gerard.

Talon.

Brainwashing.

 _She remembered._

"Oh, god!"

Grief nearly crippled her on the spot and she stumbled forward, a strangled sob leaping from her throat.

"No," she murmured, gritting her teeth against the sea of images. "I didn't...I don't want to remember!"

Scarce had Amelia's feet found the floor again than her body turned traitor and her legs buckled, causing her to lose her footing in spite of her best efforts to stand firm. Unfortunately, she made it to the stairs before collapsing completely. She regretted her poor choice almost immediately; for weakened as she was, she found herself unable to her skull striking a wooden step with a harsh crack. Even with her migraine exacerbated to insane heights by her tumble and fall, she barely felt herself crash down the stairs. Talon's enhancements soon turned what should have been a bruising fall into barely the slightest throb of pain. Amelie barely even noticed of it at all beyond the pounding headache as it consumed her. If this...if this was what it was like to remember, to feel again, she'd much rather be numb. She'd rather forget. Rather be numb. Everything was sudden and fresh and so _raw_ and she couldn't think, couldn't see, couldn't-

"Whoa there, sunshine!" A rough voice intruded upon the debilitating haze, "You're gonna break something!"

With a start the pain receded and Widowmaker's world spun back into focus, leaving her gasping for breath. Before she could discover the cause of this sudden lull, a pair of firm arms wrapped around her and she found herself hoisted up off the floor, pulled into a warm embrace. A strange heady scent filled her nose, smelling of pancake batter, smoke, and _...gunpowder?_ The latter absolutely confounded Amelie and for a fleeting instant the cleansed assassin forget to struggle against her captor.

But only for an instant.

"Easy, now." the voice soothed as its owner stroked the small of her back. "Just breathe. Its going to be alright. In. Out. In. Ouuuuuuut."

Then she realized just where the insufferable bastard was holding her and all hell broke loose.

"Just where are you touching, _pervertir?!"_

Bucking against his grasp she jerked her head to the right and swatted her rescuer headlong in the face with her hair, causing him to sputter and loosen his grasp on her. Eventually she gathered enough of her sanity to shake herself loose and stumble away in a daze. His smile only inflame her anger to a feverish degree and, indignant, she flung her hand out at him.

...you!"

"Me." the horned shinobi replied with a merry laugh as the frantic assassin spun away. "I'm sorry, where you expecting someone else?"

Widowmaker spat and lashed out at him with her heel, to no avail; he simply deflected the blow with an elbow and drifted past her. The faint aroma of pancakes was nearly overwhelming now, warm and replete with the gentle joys of home cooking. It looked just like home. The very one she'd shared with Gerard before the world turned on its head. But that...that was impossible. It had been destroyed during the uprising. Hadn't it? Her memories were still foggy, but her stomach roiled at the idea that she was all but standing in a piece of her past, where she'd taken her first steps into darkness.

"Take it back!" she rounded on him with a hiss as he circled round her, moving to the far end of the kitchen.

"Take it back?" Naruto scoffed. "What are you talking about?"

"My emotions!" stalking after him, Amelie seized the blond's wrist with the intention of stopping him, only to find herself dragged after the implacable ninja. "I don't want them! I don't want to feel. _..this!"_ her heart gave another painful lurch at that, a fresh pang of guilt reminding her of what she'd done. "Undo it!"

"No."

As such, her benefactor's flat refusal nearly floored Widowmaker.

"Why not?!"

"Sorry. No can do." ignoring her frantic pleas, the deity returned his attention to the stove and continued preparing the pancake batter, expertly pouring it onto the pan with the skill of an old hand. "I can't just snap my fingers and return you to the way you were. Wait, I lie. I _could_ but trust me, you don't want me to. There'd be consequences."

Unwilling to be put down so easily, the assassin released her hold on the blond's limb and crossed her arms in angry defiance.

"What consequences?"

"Simple." those eerie gold eyes narrowed over his shoulder. "The cost would be too high. Your body wouldn't be able to pay the interest and you'd go into shock. In other words? You'd die."

Cost?

Interest?

Cheeky bastard!

Amelie glowered bloody red daggers at him and something in her snapped.

Swearing in French, she lunged.

 _"Je te couperai si bien tu ne saigneras pas avant demain!"_

To his credit, Naruto didn't resist her assault, nor did he make any attempt to avoid her; rather, he took the full brunt of her blow even as her hand clenched into a claw. He didn't flinch as her fingernails tore a bloody swathe across his visage, didn't turn his face aside, didn't even. As she looked on, the crimson tears in his face immediately wound themselves back together, leaving naught but flawless skin behind. Exhaling deeply, the battered blond fixed her with a slightly bemused look.

"Satisfied?"

Before Widowmaker could move to strike him anew, a dark blur interposed itself between them and seized hold of her. Someone-or something-seized her arm and jerked it backward with enough force to physically displace her from the floor, leaving her dangling in the air like a fish on a hook. It didn't take long to find her captor; she had only to risk a glance over her shoulder to behold the one responsible.

Eyes the color of violet rubies glowered down at her.

 _"Do not strike him."_

...what in the blue hell?!"

She found herself staring at something that wasn't truly human, nor could it be called alien.

Shades of purple, green and black, he looked almost humanoid.

 _Almost._

Despite his relatively small frame, the newcomer looked absolutely lethal; a stark contrast from the snickering deity she'd nearly struck a heartbeat before. Bearing two long antennae on his ears as well as a large shell-like helm that seemed to sprout up over his head, he radiated subtle menace in spite of cold violet eyes and foreign appearance. As if that weren't maddening enough, he possessed a vicious-looking tail equipped with a stinger as slender as it was sharp. Said tail was currently coiled around her wrist, preventing her from lashing out. Those cold, frigid orbs found hers, daring her to protest.

"I will not repeat myself again." the strange being intoned, his voice eerily akin to that of a slow moving avalanche grinding its way down a mountain. "Behave yourself or you will be disciplined."

"Release me, you buffoon!"

By contrast striking him-or it?-was akin to driving her fist against an iron wall. Amelie experienced the consequences of her hasty act almost immediately; she felt her fist tremble from the blow and the pale skin of her knuckles tear painfully. Agony snarled up her arm and she hissed against the stark reminder that she could no longer easily shrug of blows as she'd used to. She paid dearly for her mistake, as her captor seized her by the arm and promptly proceeded to twist it backward at an unnatural angle.

"Please don't break our guest, Meruem." Naruto's voice sang from across the kitchen. "That'd be rude. Let her go."

The stranger, now known to Amelie as "Meruem" pivoted abruptly, turning his blank gaze on Naruto.

"Why do you tolerate such insolence?" he inquired, sounding baffled. "She struck me. It seems only right that I do the same to her."

 ** _"Oi."_**

Strange how a single word could convey such menace.

For a terrifying moment, Widowmaker feared "Meruem" would make good on his threat.

 _Then:_

"Very well."

With an annoyed grunt the strange creature relinquished his hold on Amelie, leaving her to rub at her aching wrist. Shooting her captor a rueful glare over her shoulder, she allowed herself to be ushered to a chair at a nearby table and all but sank into it with a shudder. For a moment-just a fleeting moment-she'd glimpsed death in those merciless eyes, and it had humbled her. A cold pit of dread opened in her stomach, and she felt as though she might fall into it at any moment and never emerge again. Was this what fear felt like? She decided she could do without it.

"Who was that?"

"Oh, this guy?" Naruto sighed as he placed a piping hot plate of pancakes before him, "That's Meruem. He goes by plenty of titles, ant king, the destroyer, the merciless one, but I like to call him Mer. He's an old friend-

Sharp eyes flicked backwards.

 _"I am not your friend."_

"And yet here you are," the horned one pointed out wryly. "Helping me. Isn't that what friends do?"

"I am merely repaying a debt. I do not wish to speak more of this."

"Don't mind him." Naruto laughed as the newcomer angrily padded away into an adjacent room, "He's shy, but he's got a good heart. That, and he likes my cooking. Now, come, come! The food's still warm."

Widowmaker eyed the offered meal reluctantly.

"I don't want to eat."

"Yes, yes, you do, Amelie." the whiskered warrior corrected with a patient sigh. "Stop being so damn melodramatic. Here, look at me. Hey! _Look at me!"_ He growled at her when she tried to avert her gaze, seizing her by the face and pinching her cheeks when she fought back. Eyes the color of poisoned honey bored into hers with frightful intensity; sick-ghastly- _unnatural_ orbs that had no business being that color. Hadn't they been blue before? Try as she might she couldn't bring herself to look away; like a deer staring death in the face, it felt as if _she_ were the prey, and he the predator.

Squirming, she managed to muster a sliver of protest.

"Release me at once!"

"You want to feel something?" Naruto snarled over her protests, baring sharpened fangs in her face, "Try feeling anger. _Fury._ Talon screwed up your life. _They_ fucked you. Them. Not me." Clicking his teeth in angry admonishment, he released his hold on her face leaving Amelie to massage her sore jaw. "You want to do something with these new emotions?" he didn't give her time to answer that question as he rounded on her again, thrusting a clawed finger against her nose, "You want direction? Go after them. Hunt them down. Make them pay for taking your husband from you. For turning your world upside down. But for now, sit down, shut up, and eat your fucking breakfast, young lady!"

Widowmaker found herself torn.

"Why?" she dared. "Why are you going to such lengths to help me?"

"Because someone has to set you straight." came the cold retort. "Pity is the last thing you need right now."

The words struck her like a slap in the face. Trapped in her grief and guilt as she'd been, she'd never once stopped to consider who the true enemy was. Everything had been too fresh, too raw for her to think rationally. It hadn't just been difficult; it had proved utterly impossible. As cruel as it might sound, the blond's stern reality check did just that, bringing Amelie back to her senses. More importantly, it gave her pause. Yes, perhaps he made sense. He wasn't the one to focus on. Talon was. With this realization came anger, but also relief. Focus. A target. Something to channel all her negative emotions against.

It almost made her feel alive again.

...suppose I believe you." she ventured warily, still refusing to eat, "Why should I stay?"

His grin grew incrementally.

"Simple. I have fresh coffee. Catch!"

Even distraught as she was and distracted by the sudden mood swing, Amelie remembered her training. Talon had carved it into her with such force and precision that it was impossible to forget. Her body-that is to say her muscles-remembered all too well even if her brain remained distraught, and her arm shot out, snagging the steaming cup of coffee before it could dash itself against the wall. Not a moment later, the piping hot liquid found itself soothing the dry desert that was her throat, chased down by a mouthful of food. Seeing the blond's expectant expression, the widow relented with a sigh.

...not bad."

Naruto laughed.

"Can I get you another?"

She all but lobbed the mug at him.

"Ha! Coming right up, then! Extra hot!"

Her hand shot up, snagging the mug from him.

"Come to Amelie you sexy, caffeinated son of a bitch."

Her host offered the slightest of bows and chuffed softly.

"Now that's more like it. Give me a sec and I'll brew a fresh pot."

Several minutes of prolonged silence passed between them as Widowmaker savored her sweet, succulent caffeine, the lull broken only the occasional clatter from upstairs. At length, she realized the insufferable deity was actually waiting for her to speak. Once, she would've scoffed at such a thing. Now, she found herself exhausted merely by the thought of it. There was just something so infuriating about him, and yet she sensed that he was genuinely trying to help her despite his witty remarks. Morseo, he'd given her emotions a target.

Talon.

 _They_ were the ones responsible for all of this; _they_ were the ones who had stripped her emotions away, followed by her husband and finally her life. Merely glancing at her pale blue hands served as a reminder; without outside intervention she'd never truly be human again. Perhaps not even then. They'd taken her, broken her, made her their tool her, until she no longer knew how to feel. They'd gladly do the same to others. Who was to say they hadn't already? Her knuckles whitened around the mug at the thought. Vengeance would come, and it would be a slow, burning wrath.

 _A painful one._

"Might want to ease up there." Naruto's voice pierced the red haze haze of her molten fury, "You're going to break your cup."

Relcutantly, Widowmaker relented.

Her stomach chose that moment to remind her that she hadn't eaten in days.

Naruto arched an eyebrow.

"So you _are_ hungry, Widow-chan."

The assassin colored to the very toots of her hair.

That name.

She hated it.

Despised it.

 _Loathed it._

"Don't...don't call me that."

"What should I call you then?"

What indeed?

...Amelie will do." it still hurt, using her true name, but anything was better than title Talon had given her.

"Amelie-chan, then." her host folded his arms and leaned back, conjuring himself his own plate of pancakes. "Don't hold back on my account. By all means, dig in."

Her hands moved seemingly of their own accord, snatching up utensils.

"You really aren't going to take them back, are you?" she asked between bites. "My emotions, that is."

"I am not." the blond reaffirmed readily. "That would be cruel."

"You're an absolute bastard, you know that?"

"Damn straight. A bit of thanks would be appreciated, ya know."

"Merci, papa." she muttered dryly, then paused, suddenly curious. "Still, how did you even...?"

"Hmm." the blond considered for a moment, frowning. "I suppose you could think of what I did like...alchemy. The science of understanding, deconstructing, and reconstructing matter. _However,"_ he held up a finger when she tried to argue, "Contrary to popular belief, it's not an all powerful art. It is impossible to create something out if nothing, even for me. More so if you want to _undo_ an act. If one wishes to obtain something, something of equal value must be given. This is the law of equivalent exchange, the basis of all things. With me so far?"

Amelie managed a hesitant nod.

...I believe so."

"Great!" laughing, the self-professed deity clapped his hands together with a resounding pop. "So! To summarize, I had to override your brainwashing with brute force and doing that screwed with _my_ nervous system, among other things. Granted, I couldn't undo everything; probably why you're still blue and I've got _these_ bad boys. Oh?" a clawed digit tapped at his burning, golden eyes in spite of her flinch. "Wondering about that, were you? Mental strain was a _bitch_ to fix. Don't worry, it'll fade in a few decades. Until the, I suppose you could say we match." Ah, but where are my manners? Bastion! I've made more food!"

A mighty crash answered from upstairs and before Amelie could inquire to its origins, the ceiling imploded to drop a massive omnic squarely atop Naruto's end of the table.

"What in the blue hell?!"

As the dust settled and the chaos cleared, it took Amelie several seconds to realize she'd made several mistakes. First; she was reaching for a gun that was no longer there, and second; said omnic had made no moves to attack her. Of course, it didn't help that he'd completely shattered the table and almost crushed her to a bloody pulp...!

"Bastion!" Naruto's muffled voice chided from somewhere in the haze, "Was that really necessary? You could have taken the stairs."

An apologetic trill answered.

"Well, alright. Don't do it again."

Amelie easily recognized the battered omnic unit from previous skirmishes in the past; what she failed to recognize however, was the pancake presently glued to what amounted to its face. Trundling past her, the towering bot did a sharp turn and happily snatched up a fresh plate of food, tweeting loudly. Whilst the ex-assassin looked on in quiet disbelief the cheery robot presented the now-dusty loaves to a bemused looking Naruto, who had not only somehow _survived_ being crushed underneath several tons of metal but appeared perfectly intact in spite of it.

"Beep-dee-beep!"

"What's that?" the deity cocked his head. "You want to be able to eat more pancakes? Alright. Apologize to Amelie, first. I think you gave her a heart attack."

To her dismay, the towering robot actually managed a stiff bow, followed by a long mournful note.

Was she actually feeling pity for this thing...?

"No, its fine...

"Right, then."

Before her very eyes, the enigmatic blond waved his hand and Bastion seemed to physically _inhale_ despite his lack of lungs. Not a heartbeat later and the pancakes were nowhere to be seen. As if the omnic had simply devoured them by the simple-impossible!-act of breathing.

"How did you even...?"

"Oh, that?" Naruto waved her concerns aside as the satisfied bot trundled away with a noise eerily akin to that of a belch,. "Magic. What else? If they want to eat pancakes, I say let them eat pancakes. There's nothing wrong with wanting a little humanity, is there?"

Ouch, low blow, that.

"You have...strange friends. And strange tastes."

"HA!"

She wasn't expect the noise that followed.

Laughter burst out of Naruto in a sharp bark of disbelief as he tumbled to the floor, physically clutching at his sides to stave off a fit of mad giggling. Straightening, he wiped a mirthful tear from his eye and restored the table to its former glory, seats and all. Claiming one such seat, he crossed his legs and fixed her with a steely look.

"Strange? You think this is strange? Oh, you don't know the half of it!" he laughed anew, slapping his knee. "This? This is _tame_ compared to what I usually do. I'm fairly certain Rem's wandering around here somewhere. Be glad you ran into Meruem instead of her. She's the jealous sort and I don't think she'd take kindly to you."

"Rem?"

"Yeah." the blond replied sagely, steepling his fingers. "Rem is best girl, as the kids these days say. Picked her up from morbid little universe about a week ago. I make contracts with people like her all the time. Just consider me a good samaritan...and the occasional troll."

"Why?"

"Boredom, really? No? Alright," he amended at her withering look. "I'll be serious, then. To quote an old friend of mine?" Naruto paused, shoveling down a mouthful of pancakes into his maw. "Because I can. If not me, then who? The power of one man doesn't amount to much. But, however little strength man is capable of... they'll do everything humanly possible to protect the people they love, and in turn they'll protect the ones _they_ love. I envy that. When you ascend to godhood, its really easy to forget the little things that make one human. Tiny things, like helping someone. Small things like bonds. It seems like the least we tiny beings can do for each other."

Amelie paused and leaned back in her fractured chair, considering the truth of those words.

...that's actually rather profound, coming from one such as you."

"Meh, they're Mustang's words, not mine." Naruto rolled his shoulders in a halfhearted shrug. "I've never been one for grand speeches or rattling sabers. Way I see it, I am what I am. Helping you is just the start. When I'm finished with this world, I intend to make it clear that war-mongering groups like Talon won't be tolerated. And If I get to have a bit of fun along the way, all the better."

"You do know Talon will come for you." she felt bound to warn him. "Surely you realize this?"

Naruto cackled.

"I'm counting on it. In fact-

As if on cue, a low tremor shook the room.

"And that would be mister edgelord himself." the blond sighed, pushing himself up from the table. "Right on cue. Why, its almost like someone _led_ him here. What are the chances...?"

Amelie's head snapped around like a broken whip.

"You didn't."

"Ahhhh, but I did!" Naruto crowed. "

As Amelie looked on, the whiskered warrior once more seemingly conjured something from next-to-nothing; this time transmuting the fork in his hand into a high-powered radio and headset. One that somehow fit upon his heat despite his towering horns. Adjusting the microphone, he tapped it once, twice, three times, likely in a strange code she didn't understand. The orders that followed however, were anything but.

"This is Big Boss to all units. We've got intruders. You know the drill."

The blond's grin threatened to split his visage.

It was not a pleasant thing, that smile.

Not by any measure of the word.

 _"Give 'em a warm welcome."_

And all hell broke loose.

 **A/N: Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of madness and war! Expect all sorts of hijinks and mayhem ahead and vote for the pairings! As a side note I always felt bad for Widowmaker. She's been in a hell not of her own making for awhile now, and I don' see her coming out of anytime soon. So! I threw her a lifeline in the only way I knew how. Also, fuck Talon. Fuck, fuck, fuck em. I did some reading on the organization and they're a real bag of dicks! Not to say that I hate Reaper and Sombra, not at all!**

 **This is going to be one hell of a wild ride, updated REGULARLY NOW, depending on whether you guys like it. I've finally got a damn schedule for this! I'm also accepting beta readers at this time, so if you're down for that, have at it.**

 **What does Naruto have planned you ask?**

 **Why, you'll have to stay tuned for that!**

 **So in the Immortal Words of Atlas...**

 **...Review Would You Kindly?**

 **And Naturally...**

 **...ENJOY THE PREVIEWS! HOPE YOU ENJOY!**

 **(Previews)**

 _Click._

 _Genji frowned._

 _Looked downward._

 _...what on earth is...?"_

 _"Yeah, you're gonna need healing after this."_

 ** _THOOM._**

* * *

 _"People of Earth! This is a challenge to you from yours truly," the hologram boomed, towering over King's Row. "I'm throwing down the gauntlet! Overwatch! Talon! You have one week to kill me! If you don't, kiss your planet GOODBYE! Oh, and just to make things absolutely clear and prove I'm not bluffing..._

 _With a shuddering sputter, the lights went out, the entire city going black._

 _Sombra swore silently as she stared up at where the towering projection had been._

 _"Um..._ _araña? W_ _hat he is doing?"_

 _"Hmm. I'm not sure. I think he just broke the world. And the internet."_

 _"Fix it, fix it, FIX IT!"_

 **;3**


	3. Hail to the Traps

**A/N: I LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!**

 **Also. Surgery sucks. Fuck surgery. With a rusty hammer.**

 **SURPRISE UPDATE AGAIN!**

 **ALSO! ROOT CANALS! PAIN! NOT FUN!**

 **Sorry about that, just getting the ranting out my system.**

 **Having loooooooong roots reaaaaaaaaaally sucks, to say the least.**

 **REVIEW FOR IT FEEDS THE ENGINE OF CREATION~!**

 **Update spree, whoo.**

 **Yeah.**

 **Sorry, I'm feeling a bit...down at the moment** **...no, that isn't a pun. I genuinely feel like crap as I write this author's note.** **Why, you ask? Surgeries, health issues, and all that crap.** **Miiiiiiight be losing my mind. Don't worry, I'm not going to snap. Probably just having a bad day or somesuch. I'm also in terrible pain as I write this, so do forgive any grammar mistakes if you find any.**

 **Yes, I know I was gone for a year. Yes, I know that's upset people.** **But there's a bloody good reason for it!**

 **I had multiple surgeries due to heart issues, and now I'm dealing with other crap.**

 **Long story short, I need dental work done, and my insurance doesn't want to cover it. Root canals, crowns, that sort of thing. In other words? I'm forced to pay out of pocket, which means I'm going to be out a few thousand dollars assuming I can even scrape together that kind of money. Have to pay up front too, or they won't even TOUCH my teeth. Well, I'm sure you've been there and done that before dear reader, so I won't ask for sympathy. I take damn good care of my teeth, but there it is, there they are, and it needs doing.** **Recently had my hours cut at work so there's that, too.**

 **I've been trying to make updates more frequent but the pain's getting downright distracting at this point and affecting my work. Nothing's infected mind you, but it still hurts like hell.**

 **Just wanted to apologize for that, there.**

 **Don't worry, I'll find a way through this somehow.**

 **Not sure if this'll get a lot of views or reviews, given all the holiday madness is going on at the moment.**

 **Eh, screw it.**

 **Remember, don't treat this story rationally.**

 **Think of it what you will; a parody, a crack fic, or even a hybrid.**

 **Try not to dwell on it too much. After all, you might drive yourself insane~!**

 **Again, I own no references, quotes, or homages to other media. But you all already know that by now. Laugh! Enjoy! Make merry!** **Full credit where credit's due to** **kpfightmaster and his amazing comic, and Omahdon for bringing it to my attention. Gotta love youtube...**

 **Sorry its short, but its the best I can do at the moment with the pain being as bad as it is. Stay cool, guys and gas! Love ya~!**

 **Fourth wall breaks ahoy!**

 **Also on a bit of a Star Wars kick in case you haven't noticed.**

 **Onward~!**

 _"I'm going to kill you."_

 _"Have to catch me first, Reaper!"_

 _...that does it. You're a dead man._ ** _DIE DIE DIE!"_**

 _~?_

 **Hail to the Traps**

 _Time for phase two!_

 _Seems we've got a few new faces since I last poked around in this universe. Good and bad, that. When I say good, that means all the more people to torment. BAD because since my friendly neighborhood_ _author got sick, he hasn't been able to recount my glorious tales nearly as often as I'd like. Ah, to be mortal. Can't say I miss it. Bodies are such fragile things, wouldn't you agree? So I swiped his computer and wrote this myself while he's going under the knife. You're welcome!_

 _Don't worry!_

 _He'll be better in no time!_

 _Now, where were we last chapter...oh yes!_

 _I believe a certain wraith took it upon himself to break into my humble home without asking. Tsk, tsk, tsk! How rude! Really, Reaper! All you had to do was knock and I would've let you and Sombra right in!_

 _Honestly!_

 _Suppose the 'ol edgelord didn't think of that now, did he? Suppose its better this way. After all, if he'd come to his senses and just waltzed in the front door, I wouldn't have the excuse to test out my new...security system. Pity he didn't bring the rest of the gang around for the ride; would've been fun to watch them squirm. Bah! I can torment Moira and Doomfist later. Yes, I think I'll put that at the top of my to-do list._

 _But for now, lets attend to our guests._

 ** _BRING ON THE TRAPS!_**

 _No, not those kind!_

* * *

 _(...?...)_

* * *

If there was one thing Reaper prided himself on, it was skill.

 _Professionalism._

He was damn good at what he did, and if entirely honest with himself, he enjoyed it.

And why shouldn't he?

Every kill-every victim-brought him that much closer to his ultimate goal. Revenge. Not just against Overwatch itself, but those who'd wronged him.

In that aspect, Talon served his goals admirably.

At the time, it made perfect sense to align with them. They possessed the means to make his twisted dream a reality. Of course, fewer still possessed his talents, _his_ unique...skills. As a former Overwatch-veteran-turned-mercenary-turned-remorseless killing machine he was already deadly enough, his body honed through years of relentless training and discipline. Ever since the incident he'd become something...more. Now he was death, and anyone fool enough to oppose him would perish horribly. Perhaps he hadn't emerged entirely unscathed from the ordeal; not as sane as some would have liked, but that mattered little to him. So long as he accomplished his goals he couldn't care less.

Thus it only made sense that he expected the same level of competence from those whom he associated with.

His teammates might annoy him at times, but he still considered them allies.

Until Widow screwed up.

That was unusual in and of itself; especially when one considered Widowmaker wasn't the sort to botch a job. Ever. In fact, he couldn't remember the last time she'd failed one of her missions in recent memory. That someone had not only thwarted her attempt on Mondatta's life but also managed to take her alive and spirit the pacifistic Omnic out if harms way...

Talon wasn't happy.

Which meant Reaper wasn't happy.

Naturally _that_ meant someone had to die.

Under any other circumstance they wouldn't have attempted a raid in broad daylight where witnesses might abound; were it not for the extenuating circumstances. It bespoke of Talon's desperation that they'd go to such lengths to retrieve an operative this didn't want any getting a-hold of whatever information Widow had locked away in her head. Sombra had worked herself into a fit trying to track her down. Indeed, she'd been all but beside herself with worry, which was rather rare when one considered her mindset.

After all, who would pay an old mansion on the outskirts of King's Row any mind?

Strange that she insisted it _hadn't been there before._ Bah. What did she know anyway? Rambunctious little punk.

 _...your thinking bad things about me, aren't you."_ the hacker's voice chose crackled in his right ear at that very moment, reminding him of the mission at hand.

 **"Damn kid, too nosy for your own good...**

 _"I can hear you~!"_

In terms of layout, he found the mansion proved more akin to a _palace_ than a large house.

Whomever had constructed it wasn't one for subtlety; if anything it felt as though the builder had done out of their way to make their creation noticed by the world. He hadn't _seen_ this much blue since his Overwatch days, and even this threatened to outclass that color entirely. Seriously, blue? And not dark blue but a garish, bright, _blinding_ shade that stung at his already strained eyes. Reaper hated this place already.

 **"Bit tacky for my tastes."** he said as much.

 _"Ha! Says the leather edgelord knockoff."_ Sombra quipped.

 **"I swear I will FIND a way to strangle you through this thing."**

Large walls encircled the perimeter, a heavy gate barring entry to all but the most stubborn individuals. Noted, but not altogether impressive. The faintest crackle of electricity in his peripherals informed him of his fate should he simply attempt to scale the wall using less...creative methods.

With nary a thought, Reaper rendered himself smoke to waft over them.

Alighting in a pointed crouch, he surveyed his surroundings.

The courtyard itself consisted of a large sprawling space interposed by strangely placed benches and pillars, the latter of whose placement he didn't rightly understand. It looked as though someone had simply thrown it together at the last minute, haphazardly scattering strange stone formations with no discernible pattern. An amateur would've simply stormed through them, consequences be damned. Not Reaper. This was clearly as much a trap as it was an invitation.

Behind his mask, Reyes felt the remains of his mouth twist into an irritated scowl.

 **"Real cute, bub."**

He made it all of three steps before the first trap went off in his face; a portion of the ground simply snapped upright, revealing a fully-primed flamethrower mere millimeters from his face. Even with his heightened senses he barely threw himself out of the way in time. Superheated air rushed past his face as the leather-clad-killer arched his back away from the blast. Nearly parallel with the ground, he snatched up a shotgun and leveled it towards the roaring geyser of heat and flame. So much for stealth.

A single blast of said weapon reduced it to little more than mangled metal.

The faintest of clicks served as his sole warning, then he found himself flung forward like a rag doll.

 **"Aaargh!"**

Later he would realize that a brace of unseen grenades had erupted at his back. _Now_ there was pain. Adrenaline spurred him onward, only to nearly stumble again as the ground dropped away beneath his feet to reveal a looming pit of jagged spikes beneath. A pitfall?! Really!? What was this one of those old platformers or something?! Vaulting _that_ brought him face to face with a leaping _tiger_ of all things, handily bounded before it could disembowel him with its claws. With a yowl it vanished into the very pit that had nearly claimed his life.

Solid ground rose up to greet him, as did a hail of shuriken, wildly evaded.

And then, as suddenly as it had unleashed its stormy fury, the gauntlet came to an end.

 _"Ohohohoho!"_ laughter ripped through his right ear eliciting a slight flinch from the prone assassin. _"They almost got you with that last one!"_

Plucking a stray _shuriken_ from his mask, Reaper advanced with care.

A central raised dais dominated the room, unspectacular save for its garish paint job. Orange? Seriously? Who painted marble _orange?_ It was a trap. Had to be. To think otherwise was anathema. Anyone with half a brain could see that. As such he skirted it entirely, paying it no more mind then one would a rock. He refused to be caught off guard again. Hmm. Odd that no guards had yet arrived to challenge him. One would expect that a building of this size would have at least some semblance of security beyond the traps...

Within moments he found himself face with another barrier, a sealed door of all things.

Blue.

Of course.

Because why not?

 _"I've got this."_ Sombra preened. _"Just give me a sec..._

Expectantly, the masked assassin waited for it to grant him passage.

 **"You'd better not close it in my face this time."**

 _"Relajate,"_ she soothed, _"Its in the past now."_

 **"Yeah, fuck you too."**

With grace bellying his stature, he stepped forward into the now-open arch.

The door chose that precise moment to slam in his face.

 _ **"Sombraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa~!"**_

 _"Hey! It wasn't me I swear!"_

In a fit of pique, Reaper slammed a shotgun against the locking mechanism.

"Now, now, now!" a man's voice instantly chimed from unseen speakers overhead, "Let's not be hasty! I took me the better part of an hour to build this house. I'd rather you not destroy it on a whim. And tell Sombra to say out of my systems, oi! I've got very valuable...research! Yes, research! In there!"

An electronic squawk greeted him.

 _"Que?!"_

Reaper growled.

 **"Just open the damn door."**

"Gee, let me think about that one-NO."

With a growl, the undead unloaded a blast into the lock, to no avail.

"See, now that was rude." the man's voice growled in rebuttal as empty smoke wafted between them. "You know what they say; you take something of mine...I take someone of yours! C'mere, hacker girl! Lets see how you like being hacked!"

 **"Sombra?!"**

Static reigned supreme.

"Now, I could sic' my good friend Grievous on you. Perhaps..." a pause followed, almost as if he were considering it. "...hmm. No, I think not. I expect you'd fare poorly against his unorthodox attacks, and he'd probably kill you just for kicks. I want you alive after all. Well...mostly alive. Wait a minute, why am I even considering this?! I'm a fucking god! I'll just feed you another soul or something if you die. And on that note! LET 'em have it boys! Bastion! Be a good boy and _try_ to keep the General from killing him.

"Beep-dee-beep!"

As though waiting for that very command, the floor before him irised open before his very eyes.

Two figures emerged from within, carried aloft by a silver spherical surface.

The first he recognized as the hulking Omnic, Bastion.

The second, however...

 _Death._

His fractured mind instinctively conjured that word as he gazed upon this pale devil emerging beside the bulky ominic.

With slow, clanking steps, it approached, moving to stand beside its comrade. A quizzical tilt of the head regarded Reaper, dismissed him.

"This?" a low, rasping growl issued behind that ghastly face-plate as its owner turned to face him. "After all this waiting, _this_ is what he sends us?"

 **"Hey!"**

"Am I wrong?" the ghastly abomination queried. "I see only a man."

Golden eyes regarded him in hooded slits through a horned mask, more machine than man. Lanky and trim in comparison to its companion was a strange elegance to the way it moved, that long white cape billowing behind it in an unseen breeze. Then there were those strange cylinders dangling at the creature's waist, further compounding his already inflamed curiosity. There was clearly a higher intelligence at work within that ghastly-looking armor, yet still, the creature was clearly synthetic, and he'd massacred many machines before. Surely, he believed, this would be no different from the last.

Really, what did he have to fear?

A rare note of disgust entered his voice. **"Big words, for an Omnic."**

It was precisely the wrong thing to say in that moment. Yet he had no way of knowing it.

While the hulking Bastion certainly didn't take offense for being called what he was, his companion did.

"Omnic, you say?" a soft, silken hiss emerged from the one Reyes assumed to be this "Grievous" character. "Is that another word for _droid?"_

 _Something_ in that tone set alarm bells clamoring in the back of Reaper's brain. Perhaps it was the sudden ferocity burning in those amber orbs. That telltale hunch of the spine, a sure sign that its owner was preparing to pounce. The way those clawed hands uncurled at its sides, slowly reaching for the odd hilts there only furthered magnified his concern. Still, he refused to allow it to show in his voice. If the idiot was going to leap at him without a weapon then he'd just blast a hole through him, as he had so many others. In fact, he invited it.

 **"What the hell is a dro _i-ACK?!"_**

Words withered in his throat as the skeletal creature did just that. Leaped at him.

No, _lunged._

There could be no other word for the startling agility that he bore witness too. A single bound from those clawed feet sent Grievous hurtling forward at breakneck speed, far faster than Reaper would've thought possible, even for a machine. Rendered little more than a ghostly white blur in his peripherals, Reaper only narrowly managed to turn to meet the threat. Twin shotguns barked explosively in his hands, once, twice, thrice, endless rounds blazing a cloud of black smoke across the courtyard.

Imagine his surprise then when the creature took each blast full on the chest and laughed at him.

"A shotgun?" again came that horrid, rasping voice from within the haze. "That's cute."

 **"DIE!"**

He fired with renewed intensity, causing the white omnic to buckle against the bast. Again. And again. Again. His weapons barked angrily, relentlessly, until they finally clicked empty and he found himself forced to discard them and draw a fresh pair. This time, nothing rose from the fog of war to challenge him. Good. The rounds had no doubt ripped the irritating omnic limb from...limb...

Vzzm!

An electric snap-hiss answered.

Something stirred inside the smoke.

"Is that all? How...disappointing." a low laugh arose. "No matter. You fought with courage and thus, I shall grant you a warrior's death. _Prepare!"_

Like a grim specter of death, the omnic emerged. Not alone. In each hand he clutched a blazing shaft of light, one bright as the bluest skies. The other green as deepest jade. Aghast at this curious sight, Reaper could only shrink back in dismay. Ah. Those hilts. So they _were_ weapons after all. Worse still, their owner was utterly unscathed, his chasis bearing little more than a few errant scratches, a stray smudge against his faceplate. Golden eyes swelled before him, growing larger with each moment, each advancing step.

Faced with two blazing blades and a rather perturbed Grievous, he came to the obvious conclusion.

 _'I've blundered.'_

Without thinking, he edged back half a step.

Alas, this too, proved a mistake.

 _Click._

Reaper frowned.

Looked downward.

 **...what on earth is...?"**

 _"Did I forget to mention the mines?"_ Naruto's voice chimed from deeper within the plaza. _"Watch your step!"_

Behind the mask, his face twitched in mute fury.

 **"When I get my hands on you-!"**

 _And all the world was fire._

 **A/N:...Reaper was not prepared.**

 **Wanted to go a more lighthearted tone with this one. Hope you don't mind.**

 **Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of madness and war! Expect all sorts of hijinks and mayhem ahead and vote for the pairings! As a side note I always felt bad for Widowmaker. She's been in a hell not of her own making for awhile now, and I don' see her coming out of anytime soon. So! I threw her a lifeline in the only way I knew how. Also, fuck Talon. Fuck, fuck, fuck em. I did some reading on the organization and they're a real bag of dicks! Not to say that I hate Reaper and Sombra, not at all!**

 **This is going to be one hell of a wild ride, updated REGULARLY NOW, depending on whether you guys like it. I've finally got a damn schedule for this! I'm also accepting beta readers at this time, so if you're down for that, have at it.**

 **What does Naruto have planned you ask?**

 **Why, you'll have to stay tuned for that!**

 **So in the Immortal Words of Atlas...**

 **...Review Would You Kindly?**

 **And enjoy the previews!**

 **Potential ones at that.**

 **(Previews)**

 _"A sword? Oh, that's just precious. Have a nice day, Grievous!"_

* * *

 _Sombra winced._

 _"Ohohoho that did not sound good..._

 _She was not prepared for what she found there._

 _...what the actual hell."_

 _Like a thunderbolt from on high, so too did the light descent._

 _...que?"_

 _"People of Earth! This is a challenge to you from yours truly," the hologram boomed, towering over King's Row. "I'm throwing down the gauntlet! Overwatch! Talon! You have one week to kill me! If you don't, kiss your planet GOODBYE! Oh, and just to make things absolutely clear and prove I'm not bluffing..._

 _With a shuddering sputter, the lights went out, the entire city going black._

 _Sombra swore silently as she stared up at where the towering projection had been._

 _"Um...araña? What he is doing?"_

 _Amelie tilted her head, quietly considering._

 _"Hmm. I'm not sure. I believe he just broke the world. And the internet."_

 _The bloodcurdling shriek that followed threatened to deafen the former assassin completely._

 _"Fix it, fix it, FIX IT!"_

* * *

 _"I think you broke him."_

 _"Pity."_

* * *

 _"Dodge!"_

 _The last thing he saw was that giant hammer hurtling toward his face._

 **;3**


End file.
